Serenity

A good friend of mine from church has decided that she is going to start walking the pool again. She did it last winter and spring, and it did alot for her and the way she felt and got around. She is encouraging me to go with her. I told her that I didn’t have have anything to wear there, sexy swimwear or even just a plain ole swimsuit. She said that was ok, she just wears a T-shirt and shorts. That is what I would have to do. I know I would be embarassed beyond belief being seen like this, even in shorts. And yet, if it would make me feel better …. Well. Let’s just say I’m considering it.

Several years ago, when it was discovered that my heart was in Atrial Fibrillation, it was a traumatic time for me (my mom has just passed away unexpected a few weeks prior to that), and everything just happened way to fast. I just took what the doctor’s said at face value. I didn’t question, I didn’t absorb. I just did what I was told. I was pretty much on auto pilot, emotionally and mentally.

Now, several years later, I have processed all of it, I accept the condition, and continue to take medicine as my line of action. When I was invited to visit HeartLibrary.com, I looked over the sight with more than just a passing interest. Browsing through their interactive heart video library, what the doctors had “told” me several years ago, made so much more sense tonight, see it in visual form. I know what I feel from the inside out — the quivering of the heart, the out of rhythm beating of my heart. But, regardless of how many times its explained to me — in words — I truly didn’t understand just what my heart was doing until I saw the video. Now I understand.

I need to go this week to the Outpatient part of our hospital and get my Protime checked. I take Coumadin to keep my blood thin enough that it doesn’t form clots. My heart is out of rhythm, and because the blood is not getting pumped through the heart properly, it causes the blood to pool in one of the chambers, and there is risk of clotting. So. I take Coumadin, and go to the hospital once a month for them to monitor my Protime level, to make sure my blood isn’t too thick or too thin. I also take another prescription to keep my heart from racing. And another drug to keep me from being so blue all the time. Can someone say drug rehab? Thats what I feel like sometimes. And then you throw in David’s 6 prescriptions, and no health insurance. Well, we are just thankful that Walmart has a $4 plan for alot of the prescriptions that we take. We will continue to take what is prescribed, whether its $4 or $100. But, its nice that we do have that $4 option.

This sounds bad, but sometimes you have to do what you have to do. A couple of weeks ago, I made an appointment with my physician. I truly did need to see him about checking my Protime; but I also had a few other “issues” I wanted to discuss with him. One of them was this grey cloud I’m in. I don’t want to do anything, go anywhere, be with anybody. I do the bare minimum, and even blogging had lost some of its appeal. I would cry at the drop of a hat. I just was. not. in a good place. I hate to self diagnois myself, but it sure sounded like depression to me. We talked about it, he agreed, and prescribed Zoloft for me. (which, we will be changing when the prescription runs out. There is a similiar med, that is on the $4 Walmart prescription plan, so we will be changing to that next month).

He told me it would take a couple of weeks before things would kick in. It hasn’t been a “night-and-day” process — that one day my world is gray, and the next day, everything is sunshiny and good. Its been a gradual process. But each day, I find the “want” of wanting to do something more. To go an extra step at work. To want to get back on top of things — AND — ACTUALLY do it. Things are slowly coming together, and its a good feeling.

I had stopped taking most of my prescriptions, so that was one thing on my list to do. I have taken my 3 prescriptions (Warfarin/Coumadin, Metropol, and Zoloft) every single day since we got them filled a couple weeks ago. Seems like alot of medicine to take, but if I don’t take them, finding drug rehabs facilities will be the least of my worries. The Metropol keeps my heart from racing — and the Coumadin keeps my blood thin enough to keep from clotting, since my heart has decided that being out of rhythm is going to be my way of life. Even though I can’t tell a difference when I take Coumadin and don’t take it, not taking it increases my chances of having a clot which could lead to have a stroke. So, I need to take it. Regardless.

One step at a time.

I am feeling much better. I’ve only had 2 waves of pain this morning, which is a major improvement over the last couple of days. And, I slept all night — in bed. I didn’t have to get up and sleep upright. So, I definitely think I’m getting better. I am fairly confident that its the antibiotics that is doing the trick. It could be all the Tylenol I’m taking, but I haven’t taken any this morning. I know I shouldn’t go around self-diagnoising myself, but if this did the trick, then I’m glad I did. I will break down and go to the dentist one of these days. But, this just isn’t the day!

I waited on Ethan to get home from a Journalism Workshop, and then we headed for Topeka for a weigh-in appointment. It wasn’t pretty. I have thoughts and things I want/need to get down. If you are wanting to follow along with my weight loss journey, that can be found at Weighing-Me-Down. I know I could record my thoughts and feelings here; but there are a variety of reasons I want to keep the two seperate. If nothing else, I want to work towards monetizing the weight loss blog. So, making it a “niche” blog — a blog focusing on something specific, such as health and weight loss, will further the cause there

So, I want to interact with others that are trying to loss weight. And, its just easier for those interested in just that part to be able to go to a specific place, instead of wading through alot of different posts here.

Ultimately, I just need to stay focused. And that means eating, sleeping, thinking about weight loss and this program, and goals I want to set, and things I want to accomplish. Its just better for it to have its own “home”. And that would be there.

I need to get David’s prescriptions written down in my book. His doctor just added another one to the lot. That makes 5, plus ibuprofen 3 times a day. But until he gets this joint/arm pain straightened out, he had probably do what his doctor tells him to do. As with my aunt, there came a time I needed to take her to the ER, and when asked what meds she took, I couldn’t tell them. And that is an awful feeling, because it slows down the whole process while they are tracking down the information. Having that information in hand needs to happen, if at all possible. And there is no reason why I can’t have that information with me about David. He is taking way too many pills now that I can’t be indifferent to it, and just assume he’s going to live forever.

He’s taking meds for his blood sugar levels, his blood pressure, his cholosteral. As well as Potassium to offset one of the meds he takes. And now his doctor wants him to take 3 ibuprofen 3 times a day to help ease the pain he is feeling in his arms and joints. Something is wrong, but they don’t know what. And because we don’t have insurance, his doctor is trying to proceed cautiously and not rack up a bunch of tests that may or may not tell him what is wrong. So, we wait, and experiment. And hopefully, somewhere along the line, he gets better.